Eight Tips For Watching Chinese 'Star Wars' Bootlegs
Yeah, I’m a Star Wars fan. No, I’m not going to rank the movies, at least not this year (For the record, though, my favorite is Empire Strikes Back).
Actually, I want to talk about what one might want to do should one be tempted to watch those atrocious Chinese Star Wars bootlegs. If anyone hasn’t heard of these, they’re Star Wars movies that were translated into Mandarin and then translated from Mandarin back into English and dubbed using actors who vaguely sound like the original cast. They’re grammatical nightmares that defy lengthy description.
One of these monstrocities, Backstroke of the West, formerly known as Revenge of the Sith, first surfaced in 2006 and was loaded onto YouTube in all its butchered glory ten years later. Excerpts from other bootlegs, The Counterattack Collection and The Fourth Gathers: The Novelty Desire can also be seen on YouTube. There are others, but they’re not easily available right now, and I’m not going to advocate searching them out because who knows where that could lead. The bootleg business is perilous and tricky and we’re not going there.
But I digress. Here’s what I, a former newbie, recommend to anyone looking to experience this twisted world for the first time:
Consider watching with a group. These movies are often exhausting, and it helps if there are other people around to riff on the absurdities. Besides, sharing is caring, and anyone who watches a Chinese bootleg is in for a very unique evening.
Put very young children to bed first. These bootlegs often feature oddly-placed cuss words. Although, it might be hard for the kids to sleep when they hear what the adults are doing.
Temporarily shelve any notions of good grammar or language usage. With a few exceptions, none of that lives in these bootlegs. Some of the subtitles don’t even have words in front of commas.
Facial contortions will be a thing. Flinching, sustained incredulity, and deep belly laughs are all distinct possibilities. Consider practicing face yoga before hitting the play button (Yes, face yoga exists. Ask Nicole Kidman.).
Don’t eat or drink whenever anyone says anything. Trust me on this one, because there’s a very good chance that whatever’s in the mouth may exit the mouth very quickly. Or worse. The last thing anyone wants to be remembered for is that they choked while watching a Chinese Star Wars bootleg.
Expect Yoda to sound like Maz Kanata with hay fever. Why this is the case is anyone’s guess. At least Wookies still sound like Wookies.
Discard any hope of hearing anything vaguely Star Wars-y. No Force. No recognizable character names. Anakin is referred to as “Allah gold” for some reason in Backstroke of the West. And there are vague mentions of the Presbyterian church.
Pat yourself on the back if you make it through one of these puppies. You must have great intestinal fortitude. Or something.
Happy Fourth, all!