Godzilla X Kong: The New Empire (2024)
Godzilla’s been having quite the time recently. X Minus One was, of course, awesome, and is quite honestly, my favorite Godzilla movie next to the first one, because it had more of a human story as opposed to just watching ginormous creatures fight each other and level everything within striking distance.
Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire is not that kind of movie, unfortunately. It traverses the globe somehow at remarkable speeds. It seems to solve the mystery of what the center of the earth looks like, and it’s more Jules Verne than the molten center we all expect. Other than that, it doesn’t seem to know what it wants to be.
There are people in the movie. Why, I don’t know. They’re more like a Greek chorus than actual characters. Or faceless ants to be crushed underfoot. Meanwhile, the creatures are off doing their smashie smashie stuff, and it’s anyone’s guess as to which world landmark is going to go to pieces next.
The movie does have a story, kinda. Apparently Godzilla is getting too big for his britches and for his own good has to be taken down a peg or two by Kong, who needs to do a face-off with him. Never mind that Godzilla is one of the good guys when the movie opens, with Doctor Ilene Andrews saying that Godzilla is fighting the battles humans can’t.
Godzilla doesn’t seem to be a huge threat, though. He’s more interested in curling up inside the Colisseum (yes, the one in Rome) for a nap or two. Naturally, when he rouses himself he can’t help but take a piece out of it. He’ll get into the fight, sure, but it’s hard to tell. There are a couple other Godzilla creatures, only one has pink spines on its back and can shoot fire, while the other has blue spikes and shoots ice.
Kong has his own problems. He gets an infected tooth, which gets replaced with a titatium one by Trapper, one of the otherwise useless humans. Trapper will also give Kong a bionic arm after Kong gets frostbite from one of the Godzilla creatures.
New Empire doesn’t play by its own rules. Kong is supposed to be the last of his kind. One of the human characters, Jia, is supposed to be the last of her tribe. When it turns out that neither one of them are the last being standing, no one bats an eye or reacts much. Same thing when Jia is apparently supposed to fulfill some secret destiny. She doesn’t do much but ride Mothra, talk to Kong in sign language, and gesture to him like he’s ET and she’s Elliot.
Plus, the movie can’t decide if Kong and the other Godzillas are supposed to stay in Hollow Earth, or if the big showdown is supposed to take place topside, or a little bit of both. Who knows. Either way, it’s confusing as all get-out and I didn’t know who to root for.
In case it isn’t already crystal clear, New Empire pretty much stinks. It didn’t do anything to make me care about what happened and it gets old watching famous landmarks and premier destinations get turned to dust. Maybe it makes more sense to those who have seen its 2021 predecessor, but for my part I vote for skipping New Empire and taking another look at X Minus One.
Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire is currently in theaters. Rated PG-13.
My grade: F
Principal Cast: Rebecca Hall, Brian Tyree Henry, Dan Stevens, Kaylee Hottle, Alex Ferns, Fala Chen, Rachel House, Ron Smyck, Chantelle Jamieson, Greg Hatton, Kevin Copeland, Tess Dobre, Tim Carroll, Anthony Brandon Wong, Sophia Emberson-Bain, Chika Ikogwe, Vincent B. Gorce, Yeye Zhou
Directed by Adam Wingard
Written by Terry Rossio, Simon Barrett, and Jeremy Slater.