Crapshoot Cinema: Yoga Hosers (2016)

The funny thing about Crapshoot Cinema is that sometimes the movie turns out to be, well, actual crap. Yoga Hosers is one of those. I don’t even know how it got on my Tubi watchlist, but there it was.

The heroines are both named Colleen, they’re always together and they both work at a convenience store called Eh 2 Zed. In between customers their band practices in the back room; well, it’s them and a drummer named Ichabod. So they’re basically Bill and Ted, only with a plethora of exaggerated Canadian accents and tired stereotypes but without the excellent adventure. They don’t even go to Tim Horton’s.

It’s hard to describe the depths of suckage in Yoga Hosers. We have Kevin Long as a very avant-garde yoga instructor who calls chair pose the Disgruntled Shopper. He sends a note to the Colleens’ PE teacher telling her he doesn’t want anything to abort his teachings. Errrr…rip off Clueless, much, Movie?

And it doesn’t stop there. We have a completely unrecognizable Johnny Depp as Guy LaPointe, a novelist and general tagalong. We have a completely recognizable Stan Lee-of-all-people as a police dispatcher. We have a pre-Elvis Austin Butler as a slacker senior named Hunter Calloway. We have more “Eh’s” and “Soowry aboot that’s” than we can shake a hockey stick at, and believe me, Yoga Hosers deserves to have things shaken at it.

We also have a flying leap of a shark-jump in the form of a Nazi subplot, starting with Haley Joel Osment playing a Nazi during World War Two. Yeah. The movie goes there. Supposedly its big arc is about an infamous Canadian Nazi who went missing when all the others were rooted out. Well, he turns up again in Act Three, and he hasn’t aged a day, maybe beacause he’s been too busy turning sausage meat into tiny Nazis wearing Mountie uniforms called “Brat-zis.” They bleed sauerkraut and are extra-super annoying. They also climb up people’s rectums and come out of their mouths.

I have a feeling this is the movie that made Haley Joel Osment’s agent tell him to lay low for a while and just do community theater. And it’s probably a good thing that Johnny Depp is completely unrecognizable, because I was jonesing for the cool Johnny who made the rolls dance a la Charlie Chaplin in Benny & Joon. Where’s that Johnny? Bring him back, please.

Have I mentioned yet how much Hosers stinks? I felt like my brain was losing oxygen as this thing went on, and I actually hit the fast-forward button towards the end. I’ll turn off a movie before I hit the fast-forward button, but in this case things were so bad that I wanted to see where the train wreck would finally stop and how much carnage it would take with it.

All the carnage. All the carnage.

While I’m not a Kevin Smith fan, not by a long shot, although his Masters of the Universe stuff is fairly decent, Yoga Hosers is low even for him. I feel bad for any of his fans who might see it. At least it’s free on Tubi.

We hear so much about how M. Night Shyamalan has fallen from grace, but he’s got absolutely nothing on Kevin Smith.

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Yoga Hosers is currently streaming on Tubi. Rated PG-13.

My grade: F

Principal Cast: Lily-Rose Depp, Harley Quinn Smith, Johnny Depp, Adam Brody, Harley Morenstein, Ashley Greene, Jack Depp, Austin Butler, Tyler Posey, Jennifer Schwalbach Smith, Justin Long, Tony Hale, Natasha Lyonne, Genesis Rodriguez, Vanessa Paradis, Haley Joel Osment, Ralph Garman, Sasheer Gamata

Written and Directed by Kevin Smith.